


Imaginary Owns The Heart

by Zenhearts



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:22:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3244433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zenhearts/pseuds/Zenhearts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Having a mental illness might not be as bad as they think, it brings them together, gives them good memories, makes them forget, it could even cure them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

Depersonalization: The disorder in which one feels disconnected from reality; it is the feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situation.

 

Yixing watches him at the same time every day; he sits up, stretches, and slips a thin leg out of his sheets. He watches as he drags himself to the door, ready for when the doctors arrive to hand out his daily medicine, he watches as he chokes down the capsules and as the doctors call him to his weekly therapy, he flicks the light switch up and down twice. It’s a habit.

Yixing blinks and he’s in front of the same door he’s gone to for years. The doctors give him a gentle push and he goes easily, only stopping to flick the light switch twice. It’s a habit.

He slides uneasily past the gaze of his therapist and the wide-eyed expression from Luhan. He settles on to the familiar, uncomfortable surface of the chair.

Yixing is startled out of his observations by Luhan’s shrill giggle as the door opens to reveal Sehun, another acquaintance. Luhan bounces over to greet him, only to be pushed away as Sehun twists the door handle exactly four times and knocks on the window next to it sixteen. He finally turns to acknowledge the other, now waiting in tears. He pats him on the head three times and sits down next to Yixing, silently twiddling his fingers. Luhan slumps into his chair and smiles as if nothing had happened. 

Yixing looks up lazily and notices Sehun’s uneasy, wandering eyes. They keep moving to his right, then back in front of him, his face slowly morphing into worsening panic each time. Yixing followed his eyes, counting with him. One, two, three… four chairs. There have never been four chairs, only the three.

The door opened for the fourth time, and Sehun was sent over the edge at the unfamiliar occurrence. Luhan’s once happy eyes snapped up towards the sound and started to water, fear easily displayed on his face.

The room snapped into perspective, and he watched himself turn in his seat to lay his eyes on the newcomer. The man was tall, his intimidating demeanor pushing panic into Luhan and Sehun. The blonde tipped off his chair and scurried under it, choking on his sobs. Sehun covered his face, muttering quickly under his breath.

The man showed no interest as he quietly sat and in the blink of an eye, Yixing was next to him, close enough to study his features.

Everything about him was dark, from his hair, to his eyes and even his skin. He had sharp features; Yixing thought he was a handsome man. He didn’t realize he was staring until the stranger’s eyes met his. The others blank gaze was enough to make him avert his own.

“Alright guys,” the therapist’s monotone voice started the lecture of the week, “Luhan get up, Sehun, take deep breaths.” The lackluster man sucked in an annoyingly loud breath, and released it, ‘reminding’ Sehun how to do so.

Yixing ignored their exchange to peek out of the corner of his eye before turning his head just enough to get another look at the newcomer. They accidentally locked gazes again and he nervously snapped his head forward.

“We have a new patient here today.” The therapist gestured at the handsome man, “His name is Jongin, please give him a warm welcome.”

“Sehunnie?” Luhan chirped out, “How did I get here?”

Sehun twitched, “Sit properly, please.”

Luhan followed the instructions, sliding out from his hiding spot while furiously wiping his wet face off casting a glare at Sehun and Jongin in turn, and settling back into his place.

Once Sehun was satisfied with Luhan’s position and the therapist was satisfied with the comfort of the four gathered, he began.

Yixing ignored his rambles, focusing more on the new presence beside him.

Jongin.

-

Yixing watched him do the same thing he did after every session, walking with Luhan and Sehun around the pond. He watched the man come to a halt, allowing the other two to get lost in their chatter and leave him at the edge of the water. He relaxed to watch him experimentally dip his toes in, slowly letting the digits plunge into the shallow water that, with the mans new presence rises up to kiss the grass before swaying back slightly. Yixing watched him take another daring step until the pond water graced his ankles. As the water flowed around his knees, everything started to fade.

Yixing shivered as his senses came flooding back. He was thigh deep in the pond, both Luhan and Sehun too busy to stop him unlike any of the other days that this happened. Yixing shuddered again, this time because he felt a heavy gaze on him. He turned scanning the area, but there was no one. He turned to wade out of the pond and he felt the same weight. He looked up and locked eyes with Jongin. They stared at each other, both of them refusing to look away first. Yixing's vision grew fuzzy and he swayed in place and dropping his stare, dizzy enough to give up. He held his head, vision still swimming. Faintly he heard Luhan calling to him.

He turned to follow, trying to get a glimpse of Jongin one last time, but he was gone. He turned again and ran, calling to Luhan to wait for him.

-

He panted, holding onto Sehun for support, out of breath from running across the residence's gardens. Yixing felt Sehun twitch under his grasp. He coughed out an apology, letting him go. Sehun brushed off his shoulder furiously and Yixing felt bad. It was hard for him to remember that Sehun hated when other people touched him, besides Luhan at least.

"Xing!" Luhan bounced to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders "We get to visit Kyungsoo today!"

Yixing thought, counting the days in his head. One, two, three, fo-

"Yes Xing, it's been a week." Luhan scowled at him. "Start remembering."

He frowned at Luhan, he shouldn't be the one to talk.

Yixing focused on the floor, watching his own feet step in front of one another as he tuned out Sehun and Luhan’s chatter. He was never one to have much to contribute to a conversation, but he didn’t mind. He would rather get lost in his own thoughts than get caught in other’s troubles. Yixing only really lingered around because there wasn’t much else to do.

Suddenly, the top of his bowed head bumped into another person's chest. Yixing froze. Sehun and Luhan’s conversation faded as his gaze travelled up a pair of plain black sweatpants, pockets lazily hanging out, up a black zipped-up hoodie, eyes racing over well defined collarbones and up past a chiseled jaw, finally landing on a newly familiar face, half shadowed by a hood.

Jongin.

Yixing’s breath caught in his throat as a dark pair of eyes met his, unable to look away.

Jongin’s eyes were rimmed with red, dark bags drooping underneath them. He looked tired, exhausted really. And yet they still pulled Yixing in, drowning him. He couldn’t put his finger on what lay beneath the pools, and then he realizes he’s staring again.

It’s Jongin who breaks away first, slowly moving from in front of Yixing, the latter not moving from his spot even after the soft sounds of Jongin’s footsteps disappeared.

And then he’s watching him again. Watching as the man stares ahead of him, unmoving.  
A pair of fingers snaps into his sight and he is blinking at a rather confused looking Luhan.

“What’s up with you?” the bubbly blonde asked.

Yixing just shook his head, more to clear it than to respond to his doe-eyed friend. With a shrug of his shoulders, Luhan deemed him well enough to continue and once again he was following them to Kyungsoo’s room.

-

When the trio arrived at the door with ‘Room 23’, engraved on a plaque and mounted to it’s frame, Sehun and Luhan stopped, urging Yixing forward.

“You go first.” 

Yixing found himself twisting the door handle, easing it open to create an inch of space to allow him to peek through into the room.

The inside was dim, as the navy blue curtains hung closed, the fluorescent lights, same as the others that lit every other room in the facility, were shut off. Though, by the slice of light now shining in from the hallway, Yixing was able to make out the general scene.

It was a fairly clear quarters, not much furniture aside from a single bed adorned with a gray blanket which was tucked with hospital corners on each of the four ends, and a gray bedside table to match. On top of that table, sat a tall, glass vase adorned with a handful of long-stemmed blue pansies. From the drawn curtains to the neatly made bed, nothing really seemed out of place.

That is, until Yixing peeked his head a bit further into the room, and spotted the silhouette of a figure squatted in the corner beside the bed.

A furious shriek broke the silence, and Yixing pulled his head out of the doorway, yanking the handle to shut it right before a crash of what sounded like glass was heard inside the room. Upon hearing that yell, accompanied by the breaking of an unknown object against the door, Yixing’s vision went slightly hazy and he felt light-headed as he stepped back, moving himself behind the other two.

Sehun and Luhan stood, fairly unfazed by the shattering sound of whatever was flung against the door they came to enter through. They may have flinched at it initially, but were over it now. 

Luhan stepped forward to go in this time, entering the room with Sehun and Yixing in tow. Each of them stepped cautiously over the clear glass shards and flowers that were now strewn about on the wet floor, “Kyungsoo, why are the lights off?”

When Yixing walked in after Sehun, he acted upon his usual ritual of flipping the light switch up and down twice, causing the bright lights mounted in the ceiling to flash on and off.

“I want them off!” The raven-haired man crouched on the ground stood in a quick movement, gripping the previously well-kept bedding out of its place and diving under, burrowing into the sheets.

“They are off.” Luhan yanked the sheets off of Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo hissed at him and Luhan grunted in response, unaffected by the the anger the other displayed.

Sehun, as this exchange was going on, was picking up the pieces of the vase that had broken. He twitched slightly, mumbling things like "so out of place," and "now everything is out of place," as he picked up each individual shard, and tossed them one by one into a garbage can.

Yixing stood in the doorway still, hesitant to enter completely, afraid of making Kyungsoo explode again.

“So have you seen the newbie around?” Luhan asked Kyungsoo and Yixing focused his attention again on the two on the bed at the mention of Jongin.

Kyungsoo sighed, calming down a bit. “Yeah, he seems like a nice enough guy.”

Luhan snorted. “Only you would say he seems nice.”

Yixing looked down, playing with his fingers as a light pink dusted his cheeks. I think he's nice... But rather than voicing his thoughts, he stayed silent. Like always.

-

Yixing ambled down the hallway towards the bathroom, humming quietly to himself. It was roughly ten minutes to eleven and most of the residents had resided to their own rooms, leaving the hallways dark and empty. He liked the quiet and the peace that it brought.

He arrived at his destination, turning the knob on the door and it opened with a long squeak. Faintly, underneath the sound, Yixing heard something else, almost like a soft cry. Someone was in the bathroom.

He shut the door softly and without turning on the lights crept up to the first stall, peeking in curiously. Another, louder, whimper made it’s way to his ears and his head snapped to the side. Now, looking a little quicker he checked the next stall and the one after, before finally halting in his tracks at the fourth stall.

A figure was hunched over, sitting in the corner, hands clutching their head and small noises coming from behind their knees. Yixing couldn’t see very well in the dark like this but once the figure lifted their head, his heart dropped.

“Jongin?”

Jongin shook his head furiously before burrowing his face back into his knees, mumbling incoherently.

Yixing wasn’t sure what was happening, but on impulse he entered the stall and crouched down in front of him. He laid a comforting hand on Jongin’s head, slowly pulling his hood down, and nestling it lightly in the other boys hair. Before he could speak up again, Jongin’s hand shot up and grabbed Yixing’s hand off his head and held it painfully tight in his grip. His eyes came up meet his, the conflicted pain in them piercing through his soul.

“Don’t,” the other rasped out.

“W-why not?” It was barely a whisper and it cracked under the stress of his nerves.

Jongin’s grip loosened and his eyes lightened. He threw Yixing’s hand away from himself and looked at him with sad eyes.

“You’ll get hurt.”

Yixing stared back, unsure of what to do with himself. “How?”

“Leave.” Jongin’s glare turned cold again.

Yixing wasn’t sure what was keeping him from doing just that, but he couldn’t bring himself to abandon him like this either.

“Look, whatever it is, I can help-”

“Leave!” The yell came out loud and scratchy, almost as if it was someone elses voice and Yixing’s heart skipped a beat at the sudden outburst. Yet he still stayed crouched.

“Get out.” Jongin’s voice was almost hysterical now as he dug his fingernails into his scalp, letting out a frustrated yell that was muffled by his knees.

Yixing reached out for him again, but then hands were on him and he fell onto his back. His head knocked on the door of the stall and as his back hit the hard, tile floors his breath stopped momentarily. He brought his hand back to hold the sore spot on his head as he sat up to look at Jongin.

The man was now scraping his hands down over his face and muttering angrily, his legs sprawling out from his previous position.

Without warning, he slammed his body against the side of the stall with a loud snarl and started yelling.

“Shut up, Shut up, Shut up!” he screamed, slapping at his own head. With one more glass-shattering scream he looked back up at an extremely frightened Yixing, his eyes cold and scared.

“Get out of here!” he yelled, tears brimming in his eyes before slamming his fists back against the walls of the stall.

This time Yixing listened and scurried away quickly, tripping over his own feet as he bolted out of the bathroom. He tripped his way running to his room, not looking back at the loud noises still echoing in the bathroom.

Once in his room, Yixing locked the door and switched the light on and off twice before diving under his sheets and catching his breath. His breaths came out shaky and he clutched his chest, trying to slow down his heartbeat.

Yixing shivered and he watched as he curled into a ball, his breath finally slowing to a normal rate again. He watched as he rubbed his face, trying to wipe away the memory with his hands. The man brought the sheets up to his chin, hugging them tightly to his chest. Yixing could see the exhaustion radiating off of him so he closed his eyes and let the other drift off, hoping for a better day tomorrow.

-

“Yixing,” he heard faintly from inside his sleep. “Yixing,” It was louder this time, as he was closer to waking up.

He whined, rolling over, not wanting to wake up.

“Yixing,” the voice shook him “You have a visitor today, get up and get ready. You have five minutes until we leave.”

Yixing finally opened his eyes, glancing blearily at the doctor that woke him. He watched him retreat out of his room before sitting up, rubbing the sleep away from his face. He got up easily, shuffling to the mirror that was in his room. The bags under his eyes were bigger than usual and his hair hung over his forehead limply. He huffed; annoyed that he wouldn’t have enough time to get ready properly before his visitor.

“Yixing, it’s time to go.” another doctor came back in to lead him.

He followed silently, wondering who had come. It had been a while since someone had come to see him and that was only his dad. The doctor keyed in the code and the door opened, and she gestured for him to continue alone. He nodded his thanks and stepped through, scanning the area.

Yixing’s heart stopped before picking up, doubling in speed when his eyes landed on a tall blonde, whose face was set in a slight scowl. He blinked and he watched as he approached the other, sitting in front of the taller cautiously.

He watched as he stared down at the floor, his fists gripping onto the tight fabric of his jeans in attempt to calm himself down. He watched as the tall blonde man sat back relaxed in his chair, never taking his eyes of the other. The blonde had his arms crossed and wore an un-amused expression as he waited for the man across from him to get it together.

"Look at me Yixing," came the cold command.

Yixing blacked out briefly, and was soon looking down at his own balled up fists. He released his grip on his pants and lifted his head, all the while trying to steady his breathing. His heart pounded mercilessly against his ribs, threatening to explode at any given moment once he locked eyes with the taller man sitting across from him.

"Don't give me that look."

Yixing's head snapped back down out of instinct.

The man across from him scoffed at the pathetic action, and curled his long, bony fingers under Yixing's chin to lift it back up.

"It's polite to look at someone when they're talking to you Yixing," he spoke softly, his mouth twisting into a mischievous grin.

Yixing let his eyes glaze over while looking at the man's face. He wasn't ready yet.

-

Yixing woke with a start, breath coming out in short pants. He let his arms press into the bed underneath him to search for some sort of comfort. He flinched as a knock sounded on the door. A second later a doctor came in to give him his pills. He took them wordlessly, still trembling.

"You should get up. You've slept a lot today and Luhan was looking for you earlier." The doctor spoke to him.

Yixing nodded and the doctor slipped out of his room without another word, leaving him to get ready. It was late, later than he usually woke up in the morning. Another dream. He rubbed his eyes and slid out of bed, relief rushing through him in massive waves.

-

“I heard you had a visitor.” Luhan said, skipping along beside him.

Yixing looked at him, dumbfounded. What was he talking about? It was just a dream after all.

“I saw you going in there this morning.” He continued.

He stopped walking. “Do you know who I saw?”

Luhan rolled his eyes. “No, that’s why I asked you. Are you stupid?”

“But...” He trailed off, wondering.

“But you are stupid, yes.” Luhan tugged on his hand. “Let’s go figure it out. I’m still curious.”

Yixing didn’t budge. He wasn’t as interested as Luhan seemed to be, and he weakly attempted freeing his hand from the other’s grip.

Luhan ignored his silent protests, pulling him down the long hall. “Can I see the visitor log?” He asked the secretary.

She nodded and handed it over and Luhan quickly scanned the sheet. “Here.” He pointed to the name scrawled on the sheet. “Wufan? Who’s that?”

“Wufan.” Yixing repeated.

Luhan nodded, and it all came crashing back into Yixing’s memory.

The familiar head of dirty-blonde hair.

The slender, bony fingers that had curled under his chin.

The crooked smile that has haunted him for years.

So then it was real.

Yixing’s thoughts all started to mix together, his breath got faster with his heartbeat following pace and without thinking he spun on his heel and took off back the way they came.

Yixing watched as he ran through the halls, shoes slapping loudly on the floor. He watched as he turned a corner too quickly, running into a wall and sliding down it, noticeably shaking. The man balled up his hand into a fist and bit down hard on his knuckles, Yixing noted that he could faintly see a bit of blood running down his hand.

Yixing’s vision was fuzzy, as it normally was when he watched. Almost like a dream.

A figure appeared from around the corner, into his line of sight, looking down at the quivering man. Yixing’s vision got pushed more and more out of focus as the man kneeled down next to the other, and everything faded to black.

Yixing’s head shot up at a hand on his wrist, and he let his knuckles fall from his mouth. He was still shaking spastically and the bony fingers snaked around his wrist brought the shaky hand out from his body.

He made eye contact with the figure, whose own eye’s peeked through blonde hair.

“What’s wrong, Yixing?”

Yixing panicked and started yelling, his other hand shooting out to assault who he thought was Wufan. His eyes were screwed shut and his heart was beating so fast it felt like it was about to combust.

The fingers refused to loosen even with the kicks Yixing had shot out at the figure from his position on the floor, and his free arm wailing away on the person in front of him.

Then, fingers turned from bony to warm and he stopped his assaults. Hesitantly, he opened one eye and rested it on a tired, yet familiar, face.

Jongin maintained eye contact with Yixing as he took deep breaths, calming himself down a little.

Jongin dropped his gaze first, looking down at Yixing’s hand. He brought his free hand up to the fist and without a word; he placed his palm on the side of the still trembling fist and smeared some of the blood away from the knuckles using his thumb. His touch was gentle, but still cautious. Yixing watched carefully, breathing still proving to be difficult.

Jongin let out a barely audible and breathy laugh, his mouth turning up into a small smile before stopping his movements.

“What are you doing?” Jongin questioned quietly.

He looked back up at Yixing, a small smile still present on his face.

Yixing’s breath hitched and the rest of the world faded away, so he could only see the curve of his lips.

It was beautiful.


	2. Part Two

Cotard’s Delusion: In which people hold a delusional belief that they are dead, do not exist, are putrefying, or have lost their blood or internal organs. Often comes with a multitude of other mental disorders.

 

Jongin strode alongside his mother, walking into the place he wanted to be the least. Why is she dragging me here? It's not going to help anything, I'm already gone.

He adjusted the light backpack, the one that his mother had packed for him, on his shoulders and blew his bangs out of his eyes. Delusional woman. 

"Hello, I'm here to check in Kim Jongin."

-

Jongin wasn't fond of having someone watching him. He understood that most would be appalled by the sight of his rotting flesh and dead eyes, but it made him uncomfortable to have a set of unwanted eyes piercing through him as he unpacked his light load.

"Don't be insane Jongin,"

"You're not what you say you are Jongin."

"You've never left Jongin, you've been with us this whole time."

His mother's voice rang in his ears as he shoved away the few articles of clothing she had packed for him. He was lucky the "other voices" weren't there, cutting through her words, hissing and screaming to block anything else out.

What doesn't she understand? She can't get me back.

Jongin slammed the drawer shut and faced the man waiting for him in his doorway. He gestured for him to follow and Jongin did reluctantly.

The man had introduced himself as a doctor and started droning on about some group he was going to be attending, or something along those lines. Jongin had tuned him out.

You never listen Jongin. Be a good boy...

Jongin shook his head as the voices started to trickle in.

Open your ears...and listen! 

He shook his head harder as another voice joined in with cackling laughter.

No no no--Listen to us Jongin...

Thankfully, the voices faded away quickly as he approached a door.

"Alright here we are! I'll be back after your session to lead you back to your room."

The doctor left, leaving Jongin standing alone.

Don't hesitate. When you hesitate they feed on your thoughts.

His hand shot out, the door knob was turned, and Jongin stepped into the room to face three brand new faces.

One of them on the other side of the room dove under their chair at the sight of Jongin, and the one next to him was rocking in his chair, muttering quietly.

The last person there had to twist around to look at him. The stranger was pretty, although the look on his face made him seem ten miles away.

Jongin sat next to him and his eyes followed him, still with the same faraway look. Jongin stared back at him, observing his gaze get closer and closer until he was here. He blinked and his eyes cleared, their eye locked for a second or two before the stranger looked down. But Jongin couldn't keep his eyes off of the pretty stranger. Even as the meeting began and ended and even as the stranger caught him staring.

He couldn't look away.

Too bad he didn't get his name.

-

Jongin slipped out of the meeting room first, waiting just to the right of the door. After the pretty stranger and the blonde exited, not looking in his direction, he grabbed the last one out roughly by the arm.

He looked at Jongin, shocked, eye slightly twitching. “Who? What? You mess-“

Jongin shook him to quiet him. “Do you know his name?”

“You messed up my counting!” the twitchy boy said louder and faster this time.

“I don’t care.” Jongin shook him again. “I just want to know his name.”

He twitched again. “Which one?”

“The one next to me.” Jongin squeezed his arm a bit tighter and he winced.

“Yixing.” He finally answered. “Now let me go, I need to start again.”

Jongin let him go and stalked away, heading back to his room, the new information swirling around in his head.

-

Jongin gazed apathetically out the window, nothing of interest catching his eye until the subject of his inner musings appeared. 

He tracked Yixing’s movements, following him with his eyes as he slowly approached the pond. Even from this distance he could see that the faraway look was back.

Yixing slowly slipped a foot into the pond and then another, wading in until the water reached his knees. Jongin thought he was going to stop there but he didn’t. He kept going until the water was around his thighs.

You like that don’t you?

Jongin felt his eyes widen.

Pervert!

The voices were back, and Jongin didn't want to handle them where he was.

“No…I don’t.”

He swallowed hard as the voices all started chiming in with their own opinions.

You want him all wet Jongin.

He doesn’t even know you, what if he--take him. Just have your way with him Jongin!

What if he hates you.

Everyone hates you--fuck him deep Jongin.

No! You’re a freak!

Haha! You think he’d look twice at you?

The voices were tumbling around in his head, only a few being decipherable as they broke through the cluttered noise of hissing, laughing and screaming.

“Stop it,” he hissed through clenched teeth.

Stop being a pervert.

He bit into his bottom lip hard, clamping his eyes shut as he tried clearing his head.

You should be ashamed.

Dirty boy.

Jongin opened his eyes at the taste of liquid iron squeezing out of his lip and released the skin from his teeth.

He shook his head sending the thoughts spinning as he did so, rumbling around in his brain and yelling for him to stop trying to get rid of them. Or do just that, he had no idea. They were confusing that way.

Although they refused to leave without a fight, they quieted to frantic whispering as he locked eyes with Yixing.

-

Run.

Feet slapped violently against the tiled floor of the hospital, occasionally toes catching on a crack almost sending him sprawling on the cold surface.

Clumsy piece of shit.

Jongin panted as he sprinted, bursting through the door of the bathroom and stumbling ungracefully into the fourth stall.

Where are you even going?

You can't run from us Jongin.

He collapsed, clutching onto the toilet as the heavy door slammed shut behind him.

His knuckles turned white, gripping too hard on the seat as he dry heaved into it, tears trickling off of his face and joining the small pool of water below.

You. Can't. Run.

"Shut up!" He screamed out, voice breaking and coming out in a gruff scream.

Jongin's violent coughs and cries rang off the sides of the porcelain seat and bounced up into his own ears.

Don't be ungrateful to us! 

Yeah, we're all you have Jongin.

Just kill yourself. Slam your head into the edge of the toi--

"I'm already dead! I said shut the fuck up!"

He was hysterical. When it got this far he didn't feel like he was himself anymore. It felt like the voices were taking over and he felt so-

Weak. 

Useless.

Pathetic.

His grip loosened on the seat and let himself slide down onto the floor.

Coward.

“Stop...” he whimpered, trying to pull himself together and sit up.

There were so many voices cramped into his head it turned into static, everything buzzing through his head at once, unable to distinguish one thing from the next. He forced himself up, tears stopping, only to be replaced by low whines of discomfort at the mess inside of his head.

He pulled his knees up to his chest, and pulling his hood over his head he buried himself in them just trying to make it through this episode.

The minutes passed by quickly, and the voices were getting louder; so loud that he didn’t hear the door to the bathroom open, nor did he hear his own stall door.

But Jongin could tell someone was there. They wouldn’t shut up about it.

His lifted his head slowly and locked eyes with Yixing.

"Jongin?"

Jongin shook his head furiously and buried his face back into his knees.

Please don't get near me--we want him to come closer Jongin.

Call him over.

He took in shaky breaths, trying to ignore the requests dancing around in his skull.

Suddenly there was a hand on his head, dragging his hood down and nestling into his hair.

So warm, so comforting.

Kill him.

Without thinking, Jongin shot a hand up and grabbed roughly onto Yixing's wrist. Anger washed over him, and he raised his head to lock eyes with the boy.

Tell him to leave you alone.

Tell him to leave Jong--listen to me! Just get rid of him!

Or you could just have your filthy way with him you god forsaken pervert.

"Don't."

Yixing showed no signs of leaving, and that worried Jongin as he stared into the fear painted irises.

"W-why not?" The other man whimpered, obviously in pain and very afraid.

You're hurting him.

Jongin loosened his grip, and threw Yixing's hand away from himself.

"You'll get hurt," he rasped out.

Yixing looked at him in confusion.

"How?"

"Leave." The response came out colder than Jongin had intended.

He wasn't mad at Yixing. He was mad at them. 

"Look, whatever it is, I can help-"

"Leave!" This wasn't him anymore. Jongin was getting overpowered.

Leave, leave, leave! Tell him Jongin! I don't like him he could ruin us! 

Just tell him Jongin! Tell him to--

"Get out!"

Jongin could feel himself starting to slip, the voices feeding on him like he was their prey.

He was starting to drown.

Jongin scratched his fingers deep into his scalp as he shoved his head back into his knees, letting out an irritated scream.

Kill him, kill him, kill him. They chanted.

Jongin heard Yixing move, most likely to touch him again, and out of instinct he reached forward and shoved him away.

He didn't mean to push him that hard, and he winced as Yixing slid back and hit his head on the bottom of the stall door.

Good start. 

Jongin dragged his nails down his face, his legs stretching out in front of him.

He's looking at you.

What will it be?

Beat him bloody?

Smash his head into the mirror?

Rape--

Jongin threw his body against the wall of the stall, in attempt to knock the thoughts out of his head.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" He yelled, slapping his head.

Tears threatened to spill as he slammed his fist against the wall.

"Get out!" He begged.

Thankfully, Yixing got the hint and ungracefully stumbled out of the stall, and out the bathroom completely.

Jongin let the tears spill as he leaned against the side of the stall, relieved that Yixing was far away from him.

Who knows what could have happened if he had stayed for much longer.

-

Jongin rounded the corner, immersed in his own thoughts, not minding where he was going, when he heard muffled sobbing.

Curled up against the wall was Yixing, shaking and crying, biting down hard on his hand.

The voices immediately flooded Jongin's head as a feeling of panic washed over him in uneasy waves.

Blood. So much blood.

Don't look at him! Stupid--Go touch him Jongin see if he's alive. Unlike you, you- worthless! So fucking worthless! 

Save him Jongin-- no.

Kill him.

Jongin's clamped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut.

"No, no shut up," he hissed, making sure to be quiet enough so that only the voices could hear him.

No, you shut up.

He pounded his fist against the side of his head, his shoulder bumping against the wall next to him as he tripped to the side.

Help him.

Leave.

He'll die just like you did Jongin.

Kill him. Now.

He shook his head violently, praying that the voices would just leave him alone.

They slowly faded away, and his head was momentarily cleared as he took in deep breaths.

Coming back to the situation at hand, Jongin rushed to his side and wrapped his fingers around Yixing's wrist.

"What's wrong Yixing?" He asked, still panicked.

He jumped, cowering back as he kicked and slapped at Jongin blindly, trying to get him to let go.

"Yixing," he pleaded quietly, "calm down. Please."

He relaxed at the words and opened an eye, gazing hesitantly out at Jongin. Yixing took a few shuddering breaths before they evened out, yet still meeting each others eyes.

Jongin looked down at Yixing's bloodied knuckle. He moved his hand from his wrist and slowly wiped the blood away, all the while gauging Yixing's reaction.

He took the fact that Yixing didn't stop him to be a good thing and let out a shaky laugh, his worries melting away a bit.

"What are you doing?" He asked, looking back up at Yixing still smiling in relief.

Yixing didn't respond, only stared. Jongin's smile faltered a bit and he let go of him, backing up a bit.

See, he doesn't want you either.

He doesn't care.

"I'm sorry." Yixing spoke, reaching for his hand again. "I was just..." He trailed off, eyes getting glassy again.

"Yixing?" He met his fingers halfway. "Are you alright?"

Yixing blinked and nodded quickly, squeezing Jongin's fingers. "I'm fine I just-"

Jongin stayed silent, waiting for him to continue.

"Ran into someone I didn't want to, and this happened." Yixing let out a shaky breath. "It's fine, I'm fine. Everything is fine."

Jongin sighed and stood up, gently tugging Yixing up with him. "Alright." He spoke slowly to him "Let's get you back to your room."

Yixing leaned heavily against his side as they walked down the halls. They passed the confused stares of the blonde that Yixing was with before and even some of the doctors.

"My room is here." Yixing stopped him.

Jongin opened the door and lead him in, setting him on the bed. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, thank you Jongin." He collapsed fully on the bed.

"You're welcome Yixing." Jongin backed up, not turning away from his figure as he curled up. "Sweet dreams." He whispered before tearing his eyes away from his form and closing the door after him.

-

Jongin stepped across the threshold into the lunchroom. There weren't many people there, and it was quiet. He got his food and was heading back to his room when a familiar face caught his attention.

Yixing was eating alone in the corner of the room, far away from anyone else.

Keep walking stupid.

He ignored the voice and changed the direction of his steps, heading towards Yixing.

“Can I sit here?” His voice cracked slightly on the last word.

Good one Romeo.

It took a second for Yixing to respond, and Jongin noticed that he had the same ten mile away expression on his face before he blinked, carefully shaking his head.

Jongin sat heavily on the chair, continuing the silence.

Silence.

They weren’t talking anymore.

He looked down at his food, none of it looked appetizing. He picked at it, pushing the mush around as he wondered where the voices had gone.

“Are you going to eat that?” Yixing questioned him softly.

He looked up, surprised that he would say something to him.

Yixing looked at him expectantly.

Jongin shook his head, pushing the mush to him.

Yixing let out a happy laugh and “Thanks!” as he dug into his new food.

Jongin let his hair cover his face as he looked down and smiled, happy he could do something for Yixing.

And happy to have some peace and quiet.

-

Yixing was sitting in front of the pond as Jongin approached. He was throwing little pebbles, absentmindedly watching them splash into the water.

Jongin squatted next to him, putting a hand out for balance and before he could sit all the way, Yixing grabbed one of his fingers, pulling on it.

He looked at Jongin with fear in his eyes until he realized that it was just him. Jongin was hyper aware of Yixing’s finger around his own and he glanced down at the curled digits.

“Oh! Sorry,” Yixing let go and Jongin frowned. He didn't necessarily think they felt bad. “I didn’t realize you were there so...” Yixing laughed nervously.

“It’s fine” Jongin finally fully seated himself.

It was quiet again and it was comfortable.

Quiet.

Once again the voices had disappeared.

Jongin sighed and let himself relax a bit, leaning on his hands, stretching his legs out.

“What are you doing out here so late?” Yixing started the conversation.

Jongin shrugged. “It’s better than in there.”

Yixing nodded in agreement and picked up another pebble before throwing it into the water.

He laid back all the way and let himself drift off to sleep to the sound of splashing water.

-

Today Yixing was under his tree. Jongin had seen him there a few times before and today he was going to finally join him.

“What are you reading?” Jongin asked, looking over his shoulder.

Yixing jumped and clutched at his heart. “You scared me! Warn me next time!”

He chuckled and kneeled down next to Yixing, close enough to let their shoulders brush. “Do you mind if I read with you for a while?”

Yixing cleared his throat. “No, not at all.”

The two of them leaned against the tree, and eventually they leaned into each other, reading quietly or discussing something that happened in the book, or even laughing at a story one of them had told.

Hours later they were finally called back into reality as warning bells for lights out started to ring.

“Can I walk you back to your room?” Jongin stood first, holding out a helping hand for Yixing.

He took his hand and answered with a delicately dimpled smile. “Of course.”

Jongin felt pleasant tingles going through his hand where Yixing was holding his and he was surprised that he didn’t let go, even as they rushed to get back on time.

Yixing stopped abruptly in front of his room, and Jongin stopped a second too slow, gently bumping into Yixing.

Neither of them bothered to put any space in between them as they said their goodbyes and goodnights.

Jongin laid down in his own bed that night with a tiny smile. He hoped he would have pleasant dreams about pretty people with a dimple that night.

-

Jongin was guessing about a week had passed, and he was on his way to his second group session. It was easy to lose track of the day and even the time in this place. Not like it really mattered anyways, they all got led around by doctors twenty-four-seven. Everything was run like clockwork.

Jongin stepped into the room, his doctor leaving once the door was shut behind him. He looked around and everyone else was already there, including Yixing who turned in his seat and gave him a shy smile. He responded with one of his own half-smiles before sitting in the chair next to the pretty man.

“Okay,” the monotone doctor clapped. “now that we are all here, it’s time for discussion.”

As if on cue, the other three in the room groaned in frustration.

Discussion?

“Luhan, you start today.”

Luhan looked down, innocently playing with his fingers. “Well, today I didn’t get too mad at Kyungsoo when he stole my water bottle. This time I only tried to push him down the stairs.”

Oh. That kind of discussion.

“Well that’s a start.” the therapist coughed. “Anything else?”

He played with his fingers for another second before shaking his head.

The voices came back, and they came back fast as Jongin realized what was going to happen.

Don’t you dare Jongin.

“Sehun? Your turn.”

Don’t give us away. You need us.

Sehun cleared his throat twice before speaking. “I walked to my bathroom from my room without counting the steps I took for the first time.”

What a nutcase--not as big as you.

But you won’t tell them that, will you Jongin?

The therapist nodded at him. “Good. Now, you just need to apply that same thought process to the rest of your life and you’ll be just fine. Jongin.” he turned to look at him “Your turn.”

Fuck you.

Jongin swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to control his shaking body.

Tell him off. 

Throw your chair at him.

Don't let him find us Jongin.

Everyone in the room was now looking at him, and although he appeared calm on the outside, that couldn't be any further from the truth.

"Jongin, it's your turn to share," the therapist urged, clicking his pen repeatedly; an annoying habit.

Well?

Jongin took a deep breath before opening his mouth.

"I don't want to."

Luhan and Sehun turned to see the therapists reaction, but he could still feel Yixing's gaze on him.

"Well everyone else has to share today Jongin, just let us know what's on your mind."

Wouldn't he like to know-- be aggressive Jongin.

Don't let him tell you what to do, that's our job--

"I don't belong to you," Jongin mumbled through clenched teeth. It was directed at the voices but everyone else looked at him in confusion.

"I'm sorry could you speak up?" The therapist asked.

Click.

Stupid pen. Stab him with it.

"No," Jongin responded, a little louder than intended.

Luhan's eyes got a little wider and he whipped his head to look at Sehun, who responded with a twitch.

"Now Jongin, there's no need to raise our voices. This is a safe place."

Safe my ass.

Well maybe he's just trying--Shut up!

Listen to me, he's trying to get in your head Jongin. There's no room for him.

The voices buzzed through his head as they jumbled together, increasing in volume at a frightening rate.

His heart was racing and it felt like the room was a lot noisier than when he had showed up, everyone's gaze piercing right through him; judging him.

What are you waiting for?

"I...said no."

Wimp.

Be aggressive for crying out loud.

"Jongin-"

"No!"

Jongin could feel the weight of all of their gazes on him, but Yixing's felt heavier.

He wasn’t trying to yell at the man in front of him trying to help him, he was yelling at the one in his head trying to destroy him.

We want to leave.

Or just push him out that window over there.

Yeah that sounds like a better plan.

“I don’t need your help okay?” Jongin growled, head hanging down to look at his fists tightening in his lap.

“You just need to cooperate Jongin, start with something small.”

Cooperate with us Jongin, not them.

“Fuck off!” he flared.

Jongin wasn’t sure who he was talking to anymore.  
“I’m sick of everyone trying to ‘help’ me when I don’t need any! Why can’t everyone see they can’t help me? It’s too late I’m gone!”

At this point he was standing, and his voice was echoing off the walls.

The kid sitting across from him was hyperventilating and the blonde, bouncy one had taken refuge under his chair.

“Jongin, your mom and dad sent you here-”

“Shut up!”

That was it. He snapped.

Jongin picked up the chair he was once sitting on, and hurled it at the wall with a loud cry.

“You don’t know anything!” he screamed, before turning around and exiting the room, slamming the door violently behind him.

Can’t stand hearing about your daddy Jongin?

He punched the outside of the door, receiving a gasp from the inside (most likely from the one under the chair).

Jongin was breathing heavily, trying to calm himself down.

“Don’t...” he whispered.

With that he spun on his heel and walked at a brisk pace away from the counseling room.

He needed comfort, and he knew exactly where he was going to get it.

-

Jongin was curled up in the corner of Yixing’s bed, the blankets wrapped around his body and covering his head.

He took in Yixing’s scent as he burrowed deeper into the sheets, much more relaxed than before.

The minute Jongin had entered Yixing’s room he had felt a sense of calm, the voices instantly quieting as he dove under the sheets of his bed.

-

Jongin heard the door open after what felt like hours and he curled up tighter in the blanket. He heard a faint creak of a floorboard and then a familiar weight settled next to him on the bed.

"Jongin?" Yixing's soft voice came to his ears.

He couldn't respond, his voice still caught in his throat.

He heard a sigh and felt a hand on his shoulder, slowly rubbing comforting circles.

He shifted a little, trying to get closer to the touch.

“Jongin?” Yixing called to him again.

He responded with a shake of his shoulders.

Yixing let out a little giggle as he lifted up a free edge of the blanket. He peeked into the dark cocoon, a smile still present on his face. “Mind if I join?”

Jongin blinked at him innocently before slowly nodding his head. Yixing examined the little space he had before lifting up the blanket more.

He cringed away from the light that cut into the dark, making his eyes water.

Reassuring him Yixing said, “Just wait, I’ll cover us back up.”

With that Yixing squeezed himself into the space between Jongin and the wall and pulled the blanket back over them.

Jongin lifted his eyes to look at the other, the corner of his mouth turning up into a weak smile.

“Hey,” he mumbled.

Yixing let out a breathy laugh and brushed a piece of hair out of Jongin’s eyes.

“What happened back there?” he asked, voice remaining soft and comforting.

Jongin averted his eyes, looking back down, obviously becoming uncomfortable at the mention of his little outburst.

“His name is Wufan.”

Jongin looked back up at him, brows knitting together in confusion.

When he didn’t respond, Yixing continued with what he was saying while continuing to run his fingers through the others hair.

“He used to do…very bad things to me. I can’t even look at his name without panicking, and when I see him…”

Yixing trailed off, his fingers stopping their motion and just resting in Jongin’s locks.

Jongin slowly removed Yixing’s hand from his hair, and brought it down to play with his fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

Yixing shrugged, and they fell into another comfortable silence as he scooted in closer to Jongin. So close that their noses were only inches apart.

Jongin let go of his hand and snuck his own up to rest lightly on Yixing's chest. He felt the others steady heart beats under his fingertips, offering a comforting rhythm.

"I don't have one of these." Jongin whispered, his fingers tapping out the same beat as Yixing's heart.

Yixing was quiet, bringing his hand up to Jongin's chest, feeling for something that wasn't there.

"Maybe you're just looking in the wrong place." Yixing finally spoke.

"Where else could it be?"

He didn't speak as he reached for Jongin's free hand, bringing it to his chest, placing it next to the one that was already there.

"It's here."


	3. Part Three

Jongin woke him up that morning.

 

seven.

 

The sun pierced through the blinds in the room, urging Jongin into a sitting position on the small bed before he threw his arms up above his head, linking his fingers together and stretching. He let out a deep breath as his back cracked slightly, his arms dropping back down to his sides.

 

Looking down, Jongin smiled to himself.

 

Yixing was still sound asleep, soft snores escaping his mouth every so often and his chest rising and falling slowly underneath the thin sheets on the bed. Running his fingers through the sleeping man's hair Jongin watched as his eyes fluttered open, only to squint at the brightness of the sun peeking through his room.

 

Yixing reached a fist up and rubbed his eyes before finally opening them fully, blinking once while looking up at the man above him, smiles breaking across both of their faces.

 

“Good morning Jongin.” He reached his arms up lazily and wrapped them around his neck, bringing him back down to his former spot on the bed and pulling him in closer.

 

“Good morning to you too Yixing.” Jongin chuckled. “It’s time to eat, you should get up.”

 

“But you’re comfy,” Yixing replied, snuggling into his chest and closing his eyes once again. 

 

Jongin’s smile grew and he let out another chuckle as the other buried his face into him, getting comfortable.

 

“Come on,” Jongin nudged his head.

 

Yixing looked up with a yawn and batted his eyelashes at him. “Just wait until I wake up, okay?”

 

Jongin stared, confused.

 

What is he talking about?

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Yixing stared up at him, and Jongin searched the man’s eyes with his own, a look of confusion painted across his face.

 

“I’m dreaming, aren’t I?” Yixing finally spoke.

 

Jongin furrowed his brow and bit down on his lip as he thought.

 

He finally just shook his head at the other, not once breaking eye contact.

 

“You’re awake Yixing, this isn’t a dream.”

 

“Oh?” Yixing sat up quickly. “Then let’s go.” He escaped from the bed with a sudden flip in attitude and changed the subject before Jongin could question him.

 

“Aren’t you coming?” Yixing asked from the doorway.

 

“Yeah,” He replied getting up to join him. “But what was th-”

 

Yixing tugged Jongin’s hand to his lips, pressing a quick kiss on the back of it, effectively stopping his thoughts.

 

Jongin rolled his eyes and gave Yixing a playful shove.

 

“You’re insane.”

 

Yixing flashed him one of those smiles that made Jongin stop in his tracks and forget everything.

 

“Aren’t you too?”

 

-

 

That day he asked something he shouldn’t have.

 

six.

 

The two of them were strolling outside, hand in hand, the sun shining bright above them.

 

They were in the midst of a comfortable silence when Jongin had a passing memory and he debated acting on it.

 

Just ask him, I’m sure he won’t care.

 

“So,” He began softly. “Who was Wufan? You never told me the full story.”

 

Jongin felt Yixing grip on his hand tighten to an unbearable level.

 

Well look what you did.

 

“Yixing?” He voiced his concern.

 

“Wu- Fan.” He stuttered out, slowly kneeling to the ground, bringing Jongin with him because Yixing’s hand was still wrapped around his own.

 

You always do this Jongin.

 

You always hurt the people you love-you’re an idiot.

 

A useless idiot.

 

“Yi-” He wasn’t able to even begin his sentence before he was cut off by a sharp cry from Yixing.

 

“Wufan!” He shouted. “Where is he? Don’t let him touch me! I don’t want to see him...” He trailed off, looking wildly around them.

 

Jongin stood there shocked, not feeling the others nails biting into the skin on his hand and unsure of what was to come. “What did he do to you...” He muttered to himself as he gathered Yixing into his arms in the middle of the path.

 

Yixing thrashed in his hold, loud sobs still coming from his mouth.

 

He’s threatening you Jongin.

 

“Calm down Yixing.” He cradled him, lightly rocking back and forth. “It’s just me and you out here I promise. I won’t let anyone hurt you again. I promise. Yixing just please calm down!”

 

He stilled, but there were tears yet.

 

Jongin gently stroked Yixing’s hair, encouraging him to come back to the present. He heard a sniffle quieter than the rest and he stopped, carefully setting Yixing sitting down on the ground in front of him.

 

He sniffled again and mumbled a quick apology, wiping his eyes.

 

“It’s fine.” Jongin reassured. “Just-”

 

“No, you’re right... I should tell you what happened.” Yixing cut him off and continued before he could protest. “We’ve known each other for years, since we were children. And since the age of twelve he was...” Yixing paused to choke back tears.

 

Jongin cradled Yixing’s cheek and rubbed his thumb comfortingly over the soft skin.

 

“It’s okay,” he whispered, urging him to continue.

 

Yixing visibly gulped, and took a deep breath before continuing.

 

“He had raped me. Beat me. Abused me, emotionally and physically.” he shuddered, slumping down and curling in on himself.

 

Jongin caught him before he could fall; a white hot rage rolling through him for a man that he had never met.

 

As he held Yixing in his arms once again, letting him sob into his chest, he swore that he wouldn’t let anyone lay a hand on what was his ever again.

 

-

 

Jongin met them that day.

 

five.

 

“Come on Jongin they aren’t that bad.”

 

Yixing tugged on his arm, pulling him reluctantly along after.

 

He had insisted that he should properly meet his friends earlier and now they were on their way to the commons for lunch.

 

“But I don’t want to.” Jongin feebly protested.

 

“No buts!”

 

Jongin let out a sigh and gave in to being dragged by the smaller man, seeing as there was no way in hell he was going to change his mind. It’s not that Jongin didn’t want to meet Yixing’s friends, he just wasn’t sure what they’d think of him.

 

The pair came to a halt in front of one of the tables scattered across the room, and the deer-eyed boy from their therapy group looked up from his food. He blinked a few times at the two standing in front of him before elbowing the other one from their group, causing the man to grunt and look up lazily, noodles hanging out of his mouth.

 

“Hey Yixing….what you got there?”

 

Jongin looked over at Yixing, who just smiled down at the man.

 

Damn those dimples are cute…

 

Shut up idiot.

 

Jongin shook his head.

 

“This is Jongin, from our therapy session!” Yixing responded enthusiastically.

 

He then turned to Jongin and pointed them each out with his finger.

 

“Jongin, this is Luhan and the other is Sehun.”

 

Luhan smiled and offered a little wave before looking over at a clearly displeased Sehun, and kicking him, not so noticeably, under the table.

 

“Hello Jongin…” Sehun mumbled, averting his eyes.

 

Yixing’s smile never faltered as he sat down, pulling Jongin down next to him on the bench.

 

Sehun dropped his fork, a loud ringing sound emitting from it as his eyes grew wide and started to twitch.

 

“It’s uneven…”

 

Jongin cocked an eyebrow at him as he continued to have random twitches.

 

“There’s two on our side and now there will be three on that side…that’s not right it won’t be even! Kyungsoo normally sits there I can’t handle-“

 

“Shut up!” Luhan suddenly screamed.

 

Everyone at the table stopped, and stared at the angry man.

 

Luhan looked insanely pissed at first, but then he blinked and his mouth turned up into a sweet smile.

 

“What are you staring at silly?” He asked Sehun, pinching the man’s cheek before turning back to his food.

 

Sehun took in a deep breath before retrieving his fork.

 

Suddenly, a loud shriek was heard from across the lunchroom, and they all turned their heads in time to dodge a flying tray of food coming their way.

 

“What the-“

 

“What’s he doing?!” the voice screamed.

 

Luhan chewed his food, unaffected by the man storming up to the table, eyes wide with anger.

 

“He’s in my spot!”

 

“Shut up and sit down Kyungsoo.”

 

Kyungsoo stared at Luhan with his big, piercing eyes before taking the man’s water bottle and chucking it across the room, hitting some poor girl upside the side.

 

“I’m going to go organize my books!” he yelled angrily before stomping off.

 

Jongin snapped his head in Yixing’s direction.

 

“What just happened?”

 

Yixing looked up at him and gave him another dimple-filled smile.

 

“That’s Kyungsoo.”

 

Jongin just stared in disbelief before cracking into a giggling fit.

 

“You’ve got some interesting friends Yixing.”

 

Yixing grabbed Jongin’s hand from under the table, giving it a squeeze.

 

“I know.”

-

 

That day Jongin cracked.

 

Four.

 

Jongin walked into the therapy room for his weekly session, shooting a small smile over at a bouncy Luhan, who had waved cheerfully at him.

 

He slumped down into his seat, looking over at Yixing who seemed to be a million miles away as usual.

 

“Yixing.” He waved his hand in front of the man’s eyes, snapping him back to reality.

 

Yixing blinked, and looked over at him still a little dazed.

 

“Hello Jongin.”

 

He chuckled at Yixing’s confused demeanor.

 

“Were you thinking about something?”

 

Yixing shook his head.

 

“I was watching him again,” he started, swinging his legs.

 

“But then you woke me up.”

 

What-

 

Jongin’s thoughts were interrupted by the door swinging open and the therapist trudging into the room, clipboard in hand.

 

“Today we are going to be focusing on why you four are here.” the therapist got straight to the point while handing each of them a packet and a pencil. “Fill out the questions in there to the best of your ability and we’ll share in about ten minutes.”

 

Jongin flipped through the packet, scanning over some of the questions briefly.

 

Describe yourself in three words.

 

Jongin thought to himself. Crazy, unwanted...dead.

 

He already didn’t like where these questions were headed.

 

What is your relationship with your parents?

 

Jongin stopped breathing.

 

No....

 

What’s wrong Jongin...don’t want to write about daddy?

He shook his head attempting to silence the voices, and skipped to the next question.

 

What motivates you?

 

Murder.

 

Stop that--no you stop.

 

So far Jongin wasn’t liking the questions.

 

Why do you think you are here?

 

Because you’re insane and nobody wants you.

 

None of them seemed appealing to answer so he closed it. He folded his hands neatly on his lap and waited.

 

The others were furiously writing in their answers.

 

“Alright everyone it’s time to share.”

 

Jongin clutched his seat, keeping his gaze low in hopes that he won't get called on.

 

“Jongin.”

 

Shit.

 

“Since you were done so quick, why don’t you start.”

 

Jongin glared up at the therapist from behind his bangs, knuckles turning white from his hold on his chair.

 

“I didn’t write anything,” he admitted.

 

The therapist raised an eyebrow at him and he saw Sehun twitch out of the corner of his eye, accidentally flinging his pencil across the room.

 

“Well, since you decided not to do so we can help talk you through the questions.”

 

Sehun mumbled something about throwing off the whole schedule of the session, and Luhan looked like he was about to cry for god knows why.

 

But Jongin was more concerned about Yixing’s reaction. He glanced to the side and saw Yixing looking at him. The man gave him a small smile, encouraging him to give it a chance.

 

Don’t you dare.

 

Jongin was torn.

 

“I don’t really want to share...”

 

“Now Jongin we’ve been through this before. We’re here to help you, this is a safe environment.

 

Seriously, just kill him.

 

Then the rest of these idiots.

 

But what did they actually do?--Shut the hell up.

 

Jongin found it hard to breath, and he could feel the anxiety starting to build up as the voices got louder.

 

“So why don’t you just start with the first question, it’s an easy one to answer.”

 

He could barely hear the therapist over the voices, and he squeezed his eyes shut as his head pounded relentlessly.

 

Suddenly, he felt a warm hand rest lightly on his thigh.

 

Jongin opened his eyes and looked over to Yixing.

 

Here we go.

 

“You want to know why I’m here?” he choked out, still looking at Yixing.

 

Luhan, who was now smiling for no reason, gave Sehun a look before redirecting his attention back on Jongin.

 

He looked back at everyone, his eyes boring into the therapist as he spoke.

 

“Well here it is.”

 

Jongin you’re a dead man

 

I’m already dead.

 

Stupid.

 

“My family got in a vicious car accident when I was seven. I was thrown through the windshield and landed twenty feet away from our car, only to be ran over by another car. Some drunk teenager rear ended us going 80 miles an hour and you know the funny part?”

 

His voice was getting louder as he spoke and he could sense the tension he had created. Everyone was quiet, Luhan was staring wide-eyed and Sehun was looking down at his feet. The therapist was getting a little uneasy and Jongin didn’t want to know what Yixing was feeling. But, the hand never left his leg as he went on.

 

“Nothing happened to the kid. He was fine. You want to know what happened to me?”

 

Sehun finally looked up and the therapist had stopped writing completely as two words came out of Jongin’s mouth.

 

“I died.”

 

Everyone just stared, unsure of what to say or do.

 

Jongin stood up from his chair, Yixing’s hand dropping off his leg as he did so, and calmly opened the door and walked out of the room.

 

-

 

That day Jongin found his heart.

 

three.

 

There was a soft knock on his door and before Jongin could give a response it clicked open and Yixing’s face appeared.

 

“Can I come in Jongin?” he spoke softly.

 

Jongin didn’t answer, and rolled on his bed so his back was facing the door.

 

An expected weight settled next to him. “Jongin...”

 

Still no response.

 

Yixing sighed and put a hand on Jongin’s shoulder.

 

Jongin shrugged it off.

 

Good Jongin, we don’t want him here.

 

He groaned at the voices that hadn’t left since yesterday’s session, curling up further underneath the bed sheets.

 

“Look Jongin-”

 

“Don’t, okay...just...don’t.”

 

Yixing closed his mouth and hesitantly put his hand on Jongin again, rubbing his back lightly once he showed no signs of pushing him off.

 

Silence hung over them for a while, Yixing just trying to calm Jongin and Jongin trying to calm the voices.

 

Yixing finally got the courage to speak up again, voice still soft.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Of course he is. Nothings wrong.

 

Nothing. At. All.

 

Right Jongin?

 

Jongin shot up in bed, sheet sliding down off of him and his head turning to look at Yixing.

 

“Do I seem okay?”

 

The man next to him bit his lip, looking almost reluctant to open his mouth again.

 

But he did.

 

“I think we need to talk about what you said at the session. Jongin you’re not-”

 

“Stop.” His voice came out stern, and almost angry.

 

“Jongin-”

 

“I said stop!”

 

“No you stop!”

 

Jongin looked at Yixing in disbelief. He’s never heard him raise his voice before, nor has he ever seen him angry.

 

“What did you say?”

 

Yixing looked angrily at him before standing from his previous position and looking down at him.

 

“You can’t just walk out after saying something like that Jongin! You can’t just walk out and not expect me to come running after you like I always do! What don’t you understand-”

 

Jongin shot up off the bed.

 

“What don’t you understand?!” he screamed.

 

Yixing was speechless.

 

“What doesn’t everyone understand?! Everyone’s trying to help me and I told you there’s no helping me! I’m gone! Dead! Decaying! So stop trying to help me Yixing, you can’t help me!”

 

Yixing looked hurt.

 

“Jongin you aren’t dead!”

 

“Shut up!” Jongin yelled, smacking the clock on the bedside table violently to the floor.

 

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! That’s all I hear from everyone!”

 

“Because it’s true!”

 

Jongin stormed around, stopping just in front of Yixing.

 

“Don’t lie to me Yixing, don’t lie to yourself!”

 

Yixing shoved him away, fuming.

 

“You don’t let anyone help you Jongin! You don’t let anyone in!”

 

They were both screaming at each other, their anger getting the best of them.

 

“Don’t you dare-”

 

“Jongin you didn’t die in that car crash-”

 

“I said don’t!”

 

“Your father did!”

 

Jongin couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed Yixing by the sides of his head and smashed their lips together, hard.

 

Please...

 

Just shut up...

 

Yixing clutched onto his shirt, pulling him in as close as possible.

 

I’m sorry...

 

I’m so sorry...

 

He let his hands slide down to Yixing’s waist, holding him close while he stepped forward until his back was pressed against the wall.

 

They separated as Yixing’s head hit against the wall behind him, and Jongin looked into his eyes as they caught their breath.

 

“I forgive you.”

 

Jongin fused their mouths together again and dug his fingers into Yixing’s hips, while the other shot up his hands and laced his fingers through Jongin’s hair, returning the kiss with just as much fervor.

 

Yixing hooked his legs around his waist as he stepped back towards the bed, mouths not once leaving each other.

 

Jongin clutched onto the bottoms of Yixing’s thighs as he spun them around, walking until his knees hit the edge of the bed and they plummeted into the sheets together. Tongues collided, fingers danced across skin, and bodies molded into one another as pent up feelings were spilled into each others mouths.

 

He pulled away from Yixing’s lips just long enough to tear at the others shirt, grabbing it by the button-row and violently jerking it open, the buttons breaking off and flying to different corners of the room. Neither seemed to care.

 

Yixing slipped his arms out the sleeves quickly, Jongin tossing it off somewhere to the side, before he reached up and re-laced his fingers into Jongin’s hair, pulling him back down hard.

 

As teeth clashed and lips split open Yixing brought his hands down to the hem of Jongin’s shirt, pulling on it to signal for him to just get rid of it.

 

Jongin complied, once again removing his mouth from Yixing’s, and sitting up over him.

 

Yixing pushed his upper body up as much as possible to assist with ridding of the other’s shirt, Jongin immediately shoving him back down onto the mattress once it was thrown to the floor.

 

Jongin leaned down, biting tenderly onto Yixing’s neck. The latter arched his back, letting out a gasp at the sudden contact before grasping onto the back of the other’s neck, a small moan slipping from his lips.

 

Jongin responded by digging his teeth further into Yixing’s skin, and he began to squirm beneath him as he scattered a few more nibbles and sucks down the expanse of his neck.

 

He continued down, nipping at tense muscles until he reached the hem of Yixing’s pants.

 

Wasting no time, Jongin curled his finger under the denim, popping the button open and pulling the pants down to Yixing’s knees.

 

Yixing let his head fall back onto the pillow, taking in all the air he could as he gripped onto the black locks, his knuckles turning white and his face flushing pink.

 

“Jong...in...,” he panted as his tongue worked, tugging on his hair roughly.

 

“Jongin, please...”

 

He sighed softly and let go of Yixing with a small pop.

 

Jongin understood what he meant, and he leaned back, swiftly kicking off his own pants as Yixing found what he was looking for.

 

The other nervously squeezed a generous amount onto his own fingers before looking up and Jongin with shy eyes.

 

Jongin swallowed thickly and nodded, and he watched Yixing’s first finger slide into himself.

 

Yixing whined as another finger went in, slowly stretching his entrance.

 

Yixing’s eyes fell heavy on Jongin as he fucked himself. “Jongin,” He cried softly “Please?”

 

He swallowed again and nodded, grabbing the bottle and covering his digits before gently pulling Yixing’s out and replacing them with his.

 

His fingers shook as he gently stretched him. “Yixing?” He breathed the question in the others ear and saw the shiver run through his body.

 

“I’m ready Jongin.”

 

He sat back and again let the lotion coat his fingers, and this time he brought them down to himself, shuddering as the cool substance touched his heated skin.

 

Yixing tugged on his free hand, drawing his attention back to the beautiful figure laid out before him.

 

Jongin stared at him through his damp bangs, rigid breaths breaking past his lips as he held onto his erection and nodded at the flawless man beneath him as a silent confirmation.

 

He lined himself up at Yixing’s entrance and looked at the panting man one more time. His dimple became visible as he smiled up at him, his hand coming up to rake through the sweat-filled hair.

 

“I love you.” Yixing whispered into his ear as Jongin gently pushed into him.

 

Moans became beautiful poetry to the other’s ears and skin became a canvas for each other to paint as they rocked against each other, the headboard knocking rhythmically against the wall.

 

That night was the night that all was forgotten and all was forgiven, any apologies spilled into each other as they released and any emotions expressed through tongues and touches.

 

Once they had finished and come down from their high, Jongin collapsed next to Yixing and turned to him.

 

The latter turned to face him as well, smiling slightly as he caught his breath.

 

“Yixing...” Jongin began, reaching forward and caressing the other’s face.

 

He reached down and grabbed his hand, bringing it up to his chest and looking Yixing in the eye.

 

“Thank you...”

 

Yixing furrowed his brow in confusion.

 

“For what?” he rasped out.

 

Jongin pull him in close, keeping their hands intertwined on his chest in between their sweaty bodies.

 

“You made me realize I have a heart.”

 

-

 

That day neither could stop smiling.

 

two.

 

Jongin opened his eyes and gazed down Yixing’s sleeping face. He looked peaceful.

 

“Jong-” Yixing muttered out, shifting closer to him.

 

He smiled to himself, happy that Yixing was thinking about him, even in his dreams.

 

But Jongin didn’t want to waste a day, so he nudged the other until his eyelids fluttered open.

 

“Good morning Yixing.” He spoke into the others ear.

 

He felt Yixing shiver.

 

“Jongin.” he replied while giggling.

 

“What do you want to do with our day?” Jongin asked.

 

Yixing shrugged and snuggled closer into his bare chest. “Can we just stay like this all day?”

 

He sighed and ran his fingers through Yixing hair. “As much as I would love that, the doctors wouldn’t be too happy with this.”

 

“Right.” Yixing wriggled out of his grasp and sat up. “Do you have some clothes i could wear? I don’t really want to walk back to my room naked. Or in torn up clothes.”

 

“In the drawers. I don’t have much, and everything might be a bit big.”

 

“It’s fine.” Yixing slipped out of the bed and stretched.

 

Jongin watched, thoroughly enjoying the view Yixing was giving him.

 

“Here?” Yixing turned around to look at him, pointing to the top drawer.

 

Jongin snapped out of it and nodded his head dumbly.

 

Yixing smiled, dimple visible, and turned back around to rummage through the drawer for something to wear.

 

“All you have are sweatpants and sweatshirts.” he grumbled. “Once we get outta here I’m going to take you shopping. I swear.”

 

Jongin blushed. “Sorry Xing.”

 

He laughed and waved him off. “It’s fine! That’s why I said we can go shopping.”

 

He stepped into a pair of baggy sweats and tied them tight. Yet they still slipped down on his hips. Jongin chuckled to himself as Yixing attempted to get them to stay up.

 

He eventually gave up and dug around for something for his upper half. He eventually pulled out his only white sweater. “Good enough.” He mumbled, pulling it over his head

 

Yixing looked at him and huffed, looking adorable with his messy hair. “You need to get dressed too you know.”

 

“Alright,” He stood and cracked his neck. “Toss me something. Anything.”

 

Yixing complied and threw him clothes. He dressed and sat down on the bed.

 

The other sat next to him leaning into his shoulder. “I thought you wanted to go somewhere.”

 

Jongin reached over and smoothed down Yixing’s hair. “I do, but what?”

 

Yixing hummed as he thought. “Maybe another walk? Those are always fun.”

 

He made a noise of agreement but made no effort to get up.

 

“Come on Jongin!” Yixing sprang up. “I bet it’s a really nice day out! I bet if we ask we could even eat outside. Let’s go!.”

 

He pulled on Jongin’s hand and together they left the room and walked through the halls, heading towards the commons to get breakfast.

 

Yixing bounced impatiently in line. “Can’t people move faster?”

 

“Just be patient and-”

 

“Xing! Jongin!” an overly excited sounding voice cut him off.

 

“Luhan!” Yixing waved the blonde over.

 

“What are you guys doing here so late? Usually you are both up sup-” Luhan paused, thinking. “Oh, my god!” He squealed. “You did, didn’t you?”

 

Yixing turned red and Jongin looked away.

 

Luhan suddenly snapped his head to the side.

 

“Sehun! You owe me twenty dollars!” he yelled across the entire cafeteria.

 

With that he gave the two a smile before skipping back off to eat.

 

“Maybe we should skip breakfast,” Jongin suggested, looking at a very red Yixing.

 

“Good idea.”

 

-

 

Jongin's hand was wrapped around Yixing's smaller one as they strolled easily down the sidewalk.

 

He tugged on it, beginning to run towards the pond.

 

“Where are we going?” Yixing questioned.

 

He didn’t reply as he led them to his destination, easily diving straight into the water, Yixing still in tow.

 

“Jongin!” Yixing spit up a bit of water and glared. “A little warning would have been nice!”

 

He laughed and splashed water into the others face.

 

Yixing coughed again before cracking a little giggle and splashing Jongin back.

 

Jongin laughed again, this time he grabbed Yixing by the shoulder and pulled him under the water with him. He opened his eyes and met the others gaze. Yixing looked angelic, with his hair floating around him like a halo.

 

Jongin pulled him closer and pressed his lips to Yixing’s.

-

 

That day Yixing lost his heart.

 

one.

 

Jongin muttered angrily to himself, his feet pounding against the tiled floors of the hallway leading to Yixing’s room.

 

Who does that therapist think he is?

 

What a Joke.

 

He grabbed the handle of the door and violently slammed it open, the sound echoing off the walls of Yixing’s room.

 

Yixing looked up at him from his position on the floor, where he was all curled up and his knees were tucked up to his chest. He took his fingers out of his mouth, obviously he had been biting them, and looked at Jongin with concerned eyes.

 

“Jongin? What’s wrong?”

 

Jongin flung the door back into a closed position, just as big of a sound coming from it as before, before pacing around the room.

 

“That fucking therapist thinks he knows everything about me! But you know what he knows?”

 

Yixing stood from the floor.

 

“Jongin-”

 

“Nothing!” Jongin roared, sending a fist to the wall.

 

Yixing barely flinched.

 

He took some deep breaths and looked down at his knuckles, now spotted with crimson and throbbing from the previous contact.

 

“Why can’t they just leave me alone...” he looked at the wall in front of him, voice barely breaking a whisper.

 

Comforting arms soon made their way around waist, a warm cheek pressing against his back soon after.

 

“I’m sorry,” Yixing spoke softly.

 

He should be.

 

“W-what?”

 

Jongin was asking the voices, but Yixing responded.

 

“I’m sorry I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry i’m only able to help while sleeping.”

 

Jongin stopped breathing.

 

“...What did you say?”

 

We told you.

 

Yixing swayed them both slightly, humming a little before responding.

 

“I might wake up any time now,” he breathed against his back.

 

We told you Jongin.

 

He grabbed onto Yixing’s hands that were resting on his stomach, stopping the swaying altogether.

 

“...wake up?”

 

The man behind him hummed in response, and he could feel him nod his head against his back as he gripped onto Jongin’s shirt.

 

See he doesn’t love you either. Piece of shit.

 

Jongin tore the hands off of his shirt and turned around to look at Yixing.

 

“You aren’t sleeping Yixing.”

 

He looked up at him, blinking with confusion before looking back down and taking one of Jongin’s hands.

 

“How can I know?”

 

He’s going to have you locked up.

 

Everything's a lie!

 

Don’t let him do this!

 

Jongin’s breaths became uneven and he could feel himself slipping, and slipping fast.

 

“Because...I’m here,” he tried weakly.

 

Yixing smiled softly and shook his head.

 

“I need to stop dreaming so much,” he spoke, looking up at Jongin as he played with his fingers.

 

“It gets my hopes up.”

 

Snap.

 

Jongin let the voices flood in as realization hit him.

 

Yixing didn’t care. This was all a dream to him and it wouldn’t matter if it was Jongin or someone else, he just didn’t care.

 

Then he could feel himself going under, getting sucked into the insanity and the darkness as the voices melted together all chanting the same thing.

 

Kill him.

 

Jongin pressed Yixing against the wall, his feet dangling off of the floor.

 

“Jongin,” He rasped out, hands clutching at his Jongin’s arms that were holding him up, “Please stop.”

 

He pressed his hand harder against his neck. White hot rage blinded him, only one thought on his mind.

 

Kill the liar.

 

Hissing through his teeth, he squeezed harder still, hearing a few bones crack under the pressure from his fingers around Yixing neck.

 

Yixing rasped out something unintelligible and his eyes drooped. His hands fell loosely away from Jongin’s and his head lolled to the side.

 

He could see faint tear tracks running down both sides of his face, still beautiful even in death.

 

 

 

 

I love you.


End file.
